you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You smell like stripper and shame
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize