I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He shit in the fireplace
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
