He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The convent might be a nice break from real life
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
