Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
