Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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