he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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