The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize