I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize