If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
