made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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