I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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