Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
