It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
