Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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