before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
