I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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