I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize