i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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