he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
