Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize