i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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