Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
