he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
