I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
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