Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
