She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You're a waste of cheezeits
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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