then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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