at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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