My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
