Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
