david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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