Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Sorry my hands just texted you
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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