So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize