I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
