I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Less talking, more tequila
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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