dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
