I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
