am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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