Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
