There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
This is my life. Enjoy the view
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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