I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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