omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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