my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
