she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
