the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
