i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize