You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
