My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
