Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
