i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just pynch a tree in the face
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
