I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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