I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
