The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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