What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize