My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
