everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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