I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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