so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
