I skipped work to stalk him.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
