Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
